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How we are Redeeming This Form of suffering This morning I found out my HCG did not rise as much as I’d hoped it would. It did rise. The baby could still be ok. But I feel like I keep getting news that is just ok, not necessarily good. And so the waiting continues. But God is in the waiting. Yesterday, as I was editing the reflections I wrote on the Gospel of John, I was struck by how much I’m writing to myself as much as to anyone else. It turns out I needed to hear some th

Getting Off the Bus of Perfectionism Perfectionism is a bus driven by shame. It drives the two-way street toward pride or despair. For much of my life, I’ve been a passive passenger on this bus, letting it drive me wherever it wants to go. That’s what we do, you know. Most of our lives we let ourselves be driven around by something other than our true north (God, and our identity in Him), whether it be someone else’s expectations, our wounds and vows, or our disordered de

There’s something about sitting up in a tree that makes you feel on top of the world. I loved to climb trees when I was younger. I would climb up, feel the wind through my hair, lookout over the view, and just feel completely alive. So when this sweet girl wants to climb, I oblige. Being the youngest of 5, you’d think I always had company, but I was actually alone quite a bit. Older siblings always had something else to do, so I spent a lot of time in our big back yard by

When Wrestling With Shame Means Surrendering to Love I’ve been wrestling with shame. It is a monster, both a part of me that I can’t separate from and a prison from which my heart yearns to be free. It’s weapons are fear and regret. The fear holds a tight grip on my heart as the idea of exposing my inner self to the world mortifies me, because, what if I make a mistake? What if the world finds out I am pretty damn far from perfect? Then there’s the regret. It bubbles an

A Reflection on Mark 1:14-20 They too were in a boat mending their nets. (Mark 1:19) We tend our nets. We go through our days, and we work and work and work. We tend the nets of our lives, keeping our faces down, and we don’t see the bigger picture. Our nets have become snares. They keep us busy so that we cannot escape. We can’t possibly escape. We must keep producing, keep performing, keep proving. We just have to keep going. We don’t dare look up, because if we did

A Reflection on John 1:6-8, 19-28 “A man named John was sent from God. He came for testimony, to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to testify to the light.” ( John 1:6-8) Joy… that third candle on the Advent wreath… the dawn is breaking, the light is coming. The anticipation builds in my heart. He is preparing us for something. Keep waiting. Emmanuel, God with us, is coming to bring us back to Himself. The light… th

A Reflection on 2 Peter 3:8-14 Second Sunday of Advent “Do not ignore this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like one day.” (2 Peter 3:8) Time is a notion that is so ingrained into our very existence that we can see no way around it. We make up stories about time travel, but immediately we recognize the troubles that arise. We try to make up ways to circumvent these troubles: time as a loop, alternative pathways, etc

A reflection on Mark 13:33-37 First Sunday of Advent “Be watchful! Be Alert! You do not know when the time will come.” (Mark 13:33) Advent always seems to sneak up on me. Most years, it begins the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and with all the preparation and excitement of that national holiday, Advent becomes an afterthought. It’s just the end of a four-day weekend. And all of a sudden it’s time to get out the advent wreath and the nativity scenes and put up the tree. And w

A Reflection on Ezekiel 34:11-17 This Sunday is the solemnity (solemn feast or celebration) of Our Lord Jesus Christ, King of the Universe. What an incredible reminder that we so desperately need today. Jesus is King. Let that sink in: Jesus. Is. King. And how does our King rule? As a shepherd to scattered sheep. “I will rescue them from every place where they were scattered when it was cloudy and dark.” (Ezekiel 34:12) It is cloudy and dark. We are scattered. We are wo

A Reflection on Matthew 25:14-30 The Parable of the Talents I have made you, knit you in your mother’s womb. With delicate care, I wound together your very DNA, placed a soul within you, and watched and guided your body as it developed. As you grew, I saw all the good you would do, all the light you would bring into the world, because I made you in My image. I placed unique talents within you, character traits and Godly desires that I knew were exactly what the world would

A Reflection on Matthew 25:1-13 Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep. (Matthew 25:5) The bridegroom is delayed. The world is in chaos, hatred and division reign, and it feels like nothing we do will make it stop. We are crying out for mercy. And still, the bridegroom is delayed. Jesus, why? Why do you delay? We are bleeding, and it is a fatal wound. Do you not care? I don’t understand sometimes. Why do you allow such evil? I k

A Reflection on Matthew 5:1-12 Solemnity of All Saints “When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain, and after he had sat down, his disciples came to him.” (Matthew 5:1) I see Jesus walking up the mountain among the crowds, looking for just the right place. He finds what he is looking for, turns, and sits in the teacher’s position. The crowd comes to him, expectantly. The teacher, the miracle worker, is about to speak, and the people are ready to hang on his every w

A Reflection on Matthew 22:34-40 “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) My heart is a stone. It weighs heavy in my chest. I am trying, Lord, trying to love. But I just can’t sometimes. I have closed myself off to love. Not on the surface; on the surface, I appear loving. I pray. I give. I laugh and cry. But under the layers, deep down, there is a stone in the center. It is impenetrable.

A reflection on Matthew 22:15-21 29th Sunday of Ordinary Time I want your heart. I don’t care about your coins. I could care less what the world says of you. It is your heart that I want. I see whose image you are. You are made in the image of God. I see it on your heart, though it is tarnished and worn. Still, it is there. God’s image. My image. You are afraid. I understand. It is hard to let go of control. The world tells you that it is through control that you

A reflection on Matthew 22:1-14 28th Sunday of Ordinary Time The King has prepared the wedding feast. The Son, the bridegroom, is ready to take His bride unto Himself, to give her everything that is His, all that belongs to Him. With this marriage, the two will become one. A part of her that was as of yet incomplete will be whole. All the cravings of her heart will be satisfied, and even all her tears will be wiped away (Isaiah 25:8). The moment of union will be one of pu

A Reflection on Matthew 14:22-33 When I was in college, depending on what kind of a day I had, I would sometimes stick my earbuds in, turn on my mp3 player (this was before smartphones), and walk across campus pretending like there was a soundtrack to my life. The song I loved to listen to on those days was, “Bad Day,” by Daniel Powter. I loved the irony of this song that was about struggling through a bad day, yet was so upbeat and cheerful sounding. It would almost alway

A Reflection on Luke 21:1-4 “But she, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood.” (Luke 21: 4b) Lord, I am so poor. There is not much left in my heart to give. I don’t want to give it. I want to cling to it because it is mine, it is me, my very self. Yet even if it is me, it is not mine to cling to. Oh, Lord, it is so little. Who could possibly want it? What good could it do? Does it really matter if I give it? Would anyone notice if I didn’t? It feels like t